WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?

Have you ever stopped in the middle of something and thought “what the heck am I doing?”.  I hate to admit it, but there have been times in the middle of a discussion (ahem…argument) with someone, even as I’m speaking the words – my brain is telling me to shut up. I can actually hear my brain telling my mouth to stop talking. Sometimes, I just sound ridiculous (I’ll never admit that ever again). But there I am… rolling with it. My mouth has committed and so I must just continue.

I’ve thought a lot about this recently. The past few years have been years of trials. And I mean YEARS of TRIALS. I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m most hurt, I can get the meanest. I’ve learned that even through my tears, I can sputter the most hurtful, vile words. It’s true that words cannot be unspoken. It’s true that once you’ve hurt someone, that doesn’t fade away. It’s true that as you’re dealing with hurt and anger and sadness and loss, we become different people. Jaded, perhaps. Isolated. Lonely.

I needed the confidence it takes to stop and tell someone “I’m wrong or I’m sorry.”  Try it sometime, it’s humbling. It’s emotional. It’s powerful. You are responsible for creating the life you want.  Others will say “aint no one comin to save you, hunny. Now get to work.”  The first thing I did was give myself grace. GRACE, ya’ll.  Grace to mess up. Everyone says things they don’t mean or doesn’t say the things they do mean.  The beauty of this life is that if you don’t want to be that person anymore – just don’t be. Choose differently. Every day you have the choice to wake up and design your life. It sounds too good to be true, right? But give it a try. Next time you catch yourself saying something you don’t want to say – stop. Stop mid-sentence. Back that train up and start over. Because that’s the beautiful thing about this life –  You can always start over.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that I can control my emotions. When I couldn’t control them, they controlled me. That was when hurtful things would fly from my mouth. We don’t often talk about this. As women, we are praised for being emotional, and then we are labelled as emotional (as if that’s a bad thing). It’s okay to be emotional. Just not to be intentionally hurtful. Once you take the power back and control your emotions, you take the power back and stop letting other’s emotions control as well. This is a difficult thing sometimes. Deep breaths help.

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